What do you say to someone who believes they are ugly, when you've been down that road? How do you convince them of their worth when you've heard all the empty platitudes before, and they did nothing to convince you then and do nothing to convince you now that you are beautiful, inside and out? I say all the right things, you know. The things that psychologists and mothers are supposed to say. I love her, hug her, tell her that it is a feeling, and not a fact... that she is not ugly. But who believes their mother? Who listens to a virtual stranger? I tell her that the other kids are close-minded, bullying assholes that probably feel ugly inside and take it out on others because they can. I tell her that their opinions do not matter, that it's like farting in a tornado... sure, it stinks but it's all just a lot of noise. In the end, no one really cares about it because it is not important. Believing that she is ugly doesn't change facts, and the fact is that she is a beautiful girl. That she is not fat like me, or has a port wine birthmark over half of her face like an acquaintance, etc. She has no obvious disabilities, no deformity, no oddness to her features. Her body is developing normally. She doesn't wear braces. She wears glasses, but so do many kids that she knows. Glasses do not seem to be as much of a stigma these days as when I was a teen. However, it doesn't matter what she looks like; bullies get off on making others feel miserable because many of them feel so insecure and ugly inside.
Personally, I suspect that the problems at school run much deeper than anyone expected, and since school was hell for me, that the bullying and ostracism have increased dramatically in intensity now that she has hit puberty. She has one good friend there, who will defend her, but what if H. is absent? What is worrisome is that things seem to be taking a more serious turn, a darker tone that what she has previously dealt with. From her answers to questions about boys, she seems convinced that no one will ever want to date her, even though she is, admittedly, in no way ready for dating. I don't suspect any harassment or sexual abuse to be taking place, but I worry that she is so vulnerable, and as we all know, it's not about sexual attraction but about power. My greatest fear is that because she is so vulnerable emotionally and unable to stand up for herself, that someone is going to break her, and I won't be able to help her put the pieces together. She seems so alone and withdrawn lately, avoiding questions and crying. I thought that tonight's shopping trip would be pleasant, since the past few days had been good. Picking out new frames was a little tricky but she came through fine. Nothing seemed to be what she wanted or thought looked good on her, and I took it to mean style-wise. She insisted that I come with her to the mall, which made sense since Daddy is, well, a guy... She did not want me in the dressing room with her, which was understandable. However, she'd tried on the swimsuit and taken it off without letting me see how it fit. I asked her to let me in to see it, and commented that she looked uncomfortable. She said that it didn't look good on her. So I told her that, hey, it's just an odd style and we can find something else. Nothing, I was informed, looks good on her. Uh-oh.
So we went to Dick's Sporting Goods, where I found a bunch of discreet suits. She wasn't interested in anything I showed her, and gave me the standard response to every question: "I dunno." I had to help her undress, telling her that the sooner we get it over with, the sooner we could leave. She went along with my demands in an apathetic, wooden manner. The girls' suit did not fit well, so I brought her upstairs to the ladies section, where the boys caught up with us. She refused to answer us, look at the racks of swimsuits, or give an opinion because "I don't have an opinion." I mentioned that if she felt self-conscious that she could always wear a t-shirt over her suit like I used to. There were Speedo surf shirts in her size, even. That was only a small part of the problem, though.
After nearly an hour of this all-too-familiar behavior, in which her dad even got involved, I finally told her that since she didn't answer whether she even wanted to go swimming or not, that we were going home. We don't have to go swimming at the hotel, and I couldn't have my new swimsuit delivered in time, anyway. I told the boys to meet us in a few minutes while we put away swimwear. I grabbed a suit off of the rack and took her into the dressing room again, and said that she's had plenty of time to tell either of us that she doesn't want to swim or doesn't want a bathing suit. We didn't have to come here, but we did it because it's what she wanted to do. This whole night had been about finding her swimwear, so she was going to at least try to find her correct size, at least for the next time. She wanted to swim. I managed to get her to open up the slightest bit, and she admitted that nothing looked good on her. Simple, and familiar territory. I told her that I hate shopping for myself for a similar reason, that I am fat and it is hard to find clothing that makes me feel good about myself. However, I love to swim, which is more important to me.
Her response? That it doesn't matter what she picks out, that you cannot fix ugly.
I asked her about specific things like her nose, what makes her feel ugly, etc. She told me that it was her face. And all she would do is continue to tell me that she doesn't think or feel that she is ugly... She IS ugly. You can well imagine that I ran the gamut of helpful words and concepts that I tried to get across, but the fact is that she feels ugly, and based upon my experiences, it is very difficult to convince someone that they are beautiful when their self-esteem is so low. "Look, no matter what I tell you, you are going to believe what you will. But there are two facts that I want you to think about: that you are beautiful, and that you have to like yourself first in order to feel as pretty on the inside as you are on the outside." I told her that her dad tells me that I'm beautiful, and that sometimes I don't believe him, even after all these years. However, I know that it is my low self-esteem and depression which prevents me from accepting compliments or praise. I said that there is not much that I could say to change her mind because she has to believe that she is pretty and ignore what other kids say. I recognized that it's difficult to deal with the sort of stress that she is under, and that people can be very cruel. However, she cannot let them win by letting them know that they got to her.
Anyway, I'm mentally exhausted and have no time tonight to put together my travel bag, which puts me into a bad mood. I'm hoping that I can schedule an appointment with her doctor as soon as possible, because she needs more than I know how to give at the moment. While I understand and empathize with her emotional state, having been there many times before, I need guidance in order to help her. Right now, I'm treading carefully, as if dealing with a suicidal friend, because the wrong words, no matter how well-meaning, could trigger negative reactions.
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