sigh

I don't want to bore anyone reading this with more moping and complaining. This is the worst bout of depression I've had in a long while, and I know that our current situation will not resolve itself overnight. There is a lot that I would like to talk about, but I don't want to admit how bad things really are, especially in regards to my mental state. We at least have a warmer cabin now and plenty of food, but the lack of employment is seriously eating away at me. I'm worried or scared most of the time, and I don't know if I should stay or go. Even if I could leave right now, I don't have the finances to continue further south.* Heck, I can't even afford to do my laundry or buy certain necessities. The other problem with poverty is that it's difficult to feel human, to feel clean. I've never felt like white trash until I came here. And I feel like that is what other people see: a dirty, lazy freeloader.

In order to receive a check from the county, my hubby and I have to fulfill the work agreement each month. As in, before I see any cash in hand, I have to log in how many hours I've spent searching for a job, what I did, etc. Which also means not seeing a Jan. check right away. And the truth of the matter is that, while I put in a lot of effort during the first three weeks of December, I haven't done much during the last two weeks or recorded what I have done. I've been sick, the weather has been poor, and no one has been around during the holidays. I hope that the caseworker doesn't hold that against me. We're supposed to see her tomorrow. Even so, the check for Dec. will not be enough to pay for our rent here. Bryan keeps telling me not to worry, because I'm making myself sick, but how can I not? If the dockmaster is willing to accept a partial payment again, then great. But I'm not as optimistic as he is. So I will have to come up with at least $50 by the 21st in order to remain here.

*Even if we could get down to a friend's dock in FL, there will not be a space at their dock for us now, as a family member bought a boat and is docking there. So if we intend to continue south, we'll have to decide where to go: Savannah, Charleston, Jacksonville? Somewhere larger, with more job prospects.

bad news

I have never felt like white trash, until today...

*deep breath*

So, the problem I'd been worrying about? Is definitely a problem. Basically, the marina guy told us today that he feels we are bringing down the marina and that we are no longer welcome there. We have to leave next Saturday, as we are paid up until the 21st. The majority of the problem is that he doesn't feel comfortable knowing that any money we give him will be coming from the county. Some of the problem has to do with him believing that we are taking advantage of the restrooms and laundry facilities. In fact, other people do use the bathrooms and we haven't done any laundry for over a month. Nothing we say is going to convince him otherwise, and even if we could, the owner of the slip we are on comes back next week. So we'd have to move off of this dock, anyway. I just had thought that he'd be willing to give us a little bit more time.

He finally fixed the pumpout, so it should be done today... Going to the soup kitchen dinner, and then tomorrow, I have the appointment with my caseworker. I'm hoping that someone can help us find a way to stick around the area at least until our taxes are filed... even if that means staying at a shelter or sending my kids to live temporarily with relatives while we get on our feet. (A last resort, given Bryanna's "social anxiety" and food allergy.)